It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
