I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
