so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
