my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
