Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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