Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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