do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
