thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Floor bacon is actually really good
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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