You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
