She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
