If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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