is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
