ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
