I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
