i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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