apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
