Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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