Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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