So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
