FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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