So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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