I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
