thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
