she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
