You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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