I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
