party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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