I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
