I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is Oprah even human
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
