I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
