he has the hands of the vagina gods.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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