he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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