My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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