dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
