if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
