its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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