this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
