Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
