you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
