I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
