my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
it glows. i had to have it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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