Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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