I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
