There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
