Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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