is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize