it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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