if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
whose parrot is this?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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