there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
