k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize