I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The power of my boobs compel you
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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