totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
