maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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