weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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