I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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