If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just invented taco cereal.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
