the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
