I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
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