I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's never too late to be topless.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
