Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
