i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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