I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
