I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
